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TOM CRUISE TO CLIMB THE ‘MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS’

UPDATE: (March 8, 2011 – 10:30AM) Apparently the project is now dead. The studio balked at De Toro’s proposed $150million budget and R-rating.

Tom Cruise, noted Scientologist and crazy person, has offically signed on as the lead in director Guillermo Del Toro’s film adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s novella, At The Mountains of Madness. The movie begins filming in June and also stars Del Toro’s Hellboy cohort Ron Perlman. The story follows a group of University researchers who stumble upon carcasses of strange creatures in the Antarctic. Further exploration leads them to an enormous city buried in the mountains filled with horrifying slime-mold creatures and tentacled monstrosities.

Mountains and many other Lovecraft stories such as The Call of Cthulu deal with the concept of “The Old Gods” or “The Ancient Ones” – monstrous, tentacled beasts from outer space that ruled the Earth long before mankind came into being, but will someday awaken from their slumbers and conquer the planet once again.  Sound familiar? It should, because that’s pretty much what Tom Cruise and other insane Scientologists actually believe. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tom Cruise walked into the production studio on his first day, saw the creature models, dropped to his knees, stretched his arms out, and cried “TAKE ME NOW, LORD XENU, INJECT YOUR ESSENCE INTO ME AND MAKE ME CLEAR”! Because, let’s face it, that dude crossed over the “Mountains of Madness” a long, long time ago.

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CHANNING TATUM TO STAR IN ‘PETER PAN BEGINS’?

For the love of God and all that is Holy, I wish I could tell you that this is some crazy fake news story I conjured up to get some cheap laughs, but sadly, horribly, I can’t. This news is real, and I’m so blind with rage that I want to punch a hole through the fabric of time itself and murder J.M. Barrie before he writes a single word about Peter Pan just to prevent his future corpse from being exhumed and publicly sodomized by the single worst film idea I’ve ever heard — involving the single worst actor in the history of cinema.

Producer Joe Roth is the man behind this shit-tacular concept; if that name rings a bell to you, it’s because he’s the asshat that’s responsible for slapping together prequels and/or “re-imaginings” of some beloved classics such as Oz The Great And Powerful, and Snow White And The Huntsman with Tatum’s female counterpart in the realm of suck, Kristen Stewart.

DIE IN A FIRE, YOU CLASSICS-RAPING, NO TALENT, UNORIGINAL FUCKTARDS!!!!!!

-Ahem- Excuse me. I think I need my medicine*

(*Gin)

GIMLI MAKES THE ‘LORD OF THE RINGS’ ABOUT 12 HOURS SHORTER

Awkward.

NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO NARNIA ANYMORE

Back in the Christmas of 2005, the first Narnia film, The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, enchanted audiences worldwide. The adaptation of C.S. Lewis’ Christian allegory took in almost $750 million worldwide, and Disney was sure it had a franchise on its hands that could rival The Lord of the Rings. That was before the darker, monumentally dull and emo Prince Caspian barely made a blip on theatergoer’s radar in the very crowded Summer of 2008. Disney promptly dumped the rights to future Narnia films, and that was a wise decision, as the newest chapter, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, set sail in shallow box-office waters with a paltry $24 million take. We may have seen the last of talking, sword fighting mice and the Jesus Lion.  Here’s the full weekend chart, courtesy of Box Office Mojo.

NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO NARNIA ANYMORE

Back in the Christmas of 2005, the first Narnia film, The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, enchanted audiences worldwide. The adaptation of C.S. Lewis’ Christian allegory took in almost $750 million worldwide, and Disney was sure it had a franchise on its hands that could rival The Lord of the Rings. That was before the darker, monumentally dull and emo Prince Caspian barely made a blip on theatergoer’s radar in the very crowded Summer of 2008. Disney promptly dumped the rights to future Narnia films, and that was a wise decision, as the newest chapter, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, set sail in shallow box-office waters with a paltry $24 million take. We may have seen the last of talking, sword fighting mice and the Jesus Lion.  Here’s the full weekend chart, courtesy of Box Office Mojo.

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